THE WHITE HOUSE – Office of Communications
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
“America’s Greatest Rebrand: From DOD to DOW”
Washington, D.C.—Today, President Donald J. Trump proudly announced the single most important branding achievement since Coca-Cola invented Coke: the Department of Defense will now be called the Department of War.
“Defense is weak,” the President said. “Defense is what losers do. We don’t defend—we win. We fight. We conquer. That’s why it’s called the War Department, folks. It’s got history, it’s got power, it’s got style. George Washington had a War Department. So did Lincoln. So did Harry Truman before he went politically correct. They all loved it. They told me so.”
The President went on to explain that “War Department” is “shorter, better, and has a tremendous ring for merchandise.” He displayed prototype baseball caps emblazoned with “DOW” in gold lettering. “The hats are already selling out,” he said. “People love them. Collectors’ items. Beautiful. We’re going to make trillions.”
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth—soon to be “War Secretary Pete,” according to the President—hailed the move as “the biggest win for military morale since the invention of the bayonet.”
In a Truth Social post following the announcement, the President wrote:
“The War Department is back! Tremendous excitement. We had huge victories with that name—World War One, World War Two, both total knockouts. Since we went with Defense, it’s been nothing but Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan—total disasters. SAD! But we’re bringing back winning!”
The President also suggested that the new name would send “a strong message to our enemies.” “When Xi hears ‘Defense,’ he laughs,” Trump said. “When he hears ‘War Department,’ he cries. Believe me. They’re already crying in Beijing.”
The press release concluded with a statement from White House aides reminding the public that the President also renamed the Gulf of Mexico the “Gulf of America” earlier this year. “The rebrand was a massive success,” the statement read. “Democrats opposed it, because of course they did, but ordinary Americans loved it. Now we’re extending that same winning vision to the military.”
